My Pet Worm, Thought

Shelf of Shame #20

2012-02-06T23:34:00.013-05:00

ARE YOU REALLY SURE THAT'S A GOOD IDEA...??

Skeen / Garner / Cartwright. Woodworking for Young Children. National Association for the Education of Young Children: Washington: 1984. (5th printing, 1997) 8vo, illustrated card covers, 86pp, many b&w illus.

Doubtless very well intentioned, this title might perhaps feel at home with other ill-advised works, such as "Flaming Torch Juggling for the Visually Impaired", "Venomous Snake Handling for Toddlers" and a cautionary tale about using daddy's power tools called "Little Johnny No-Arms".

But perhaps we are too quick to judge, after all, to quote Cosmo Kramer: "It's all supervised!" And to be sure, the book has a section on safety... on page 61.

First Aid follows a page later.

FOR FURTHER RESEARCH:
Woodworking Safety
NAYEC
Religious Snake Handling
Make Your Own Pie

Shelf of Shame # 19

2011-10-08T02:42:00.004-04:00

I THINK ROGER MOORE ALREADY ATTEMPTED THIS JOKE, SIR...

Re-Entry. John Wesley White. Zondervan Publishing: Michigan: 1971. Mass Market Paperback, illus. card covers, 192 pp.

Seriously? I really do find it hard to believe that nowhere along the way to publishing this book did anybody notice the unfortunate combination of title and sub-title.

If the titular joke isn't enough (and by gosh, don't you think it should be?) then the chapter titles will, erm, drive the joke home. You know what I mean.

Theology & the Coming Christ
Science and Technology & the Coming Christ
The Church & the Coming Christ
Society & the Coming Christ
Philosophy & the Coming Christ
Politics & the Coming Christ
Preparation for His Coming

As an unfortunate segue, Zondervan Publishing has recently issued a book called "Sticky Faith". Ew.

... and the Reverend Ron Jeremy says "Amen".

For Further Research:
Much ado about Zondervan Publishing and more.
There is so much on The Second Coming, but THIS ONE seemed most entertaining.
The original joke from Moonraker, for better or for worse.

Porn Title Archive #5

2011-10-08T01:32:00.002-04:00

March thru June 2011

The Queen Whorenet (June 26)
Mars Needs MILFs (June 19)
Source Chode (June 12)
Red, Riding a Hoodie (June 5)
Sex-Men: First Ass (May 29)
The Queen Mantern (May 22)
Dr. Stronglove: or How I Learned to Stop Jacking and Do the Bomb (May 15)
2069: A Face Odyssey (May 8)
The Filling (May 1)
Hairy Lynda (Apr 24)
Paths of Glory Hole (Apr 17)
Filler's Fist (Apr 10)
Hole-ita (Apr 3)
Full Frontal Jackoff (Mar 27)
Where the Sun Ain't Shining (Mar 20)
Thighs Wide Shut (Mar 13)
A Cockwork Orange (Mar 6)

Shelf of Shame #18

2011-06-21T22:15:00.000-04:00

AND THE SOUND OF MY ZIPPER...

My Sheep Know My Voice. John Cox. Guardian Books: Belleville: 2003. Small softcover, illus. card covers, 136pp.

I don't care who you are, you've gotta know that title is funny... especially if your name is Cox.

Seriously, sometimes you people make this way too easy.

For Further Research:
Zoophilia

Shelf of Shame #17

2011-03-28T23:00:00.019-04:00

YOU'D LIKE TO THINK THE AUTHOR WOULD BE JOSIAH ALLEN...

Marietta Holley. G.W. Dillingham: New York: 1905. 8vo. 471pp. + 5pp. publisher ads. Decorative brown boards w. red lettering to front and to spine.

The author is not Josiah Allen. Bow-chicka-bow-wow...

Turns out the author is Marietta Holley. Double-bow chicka-bow-wow...

No. The book does not live up to those expectations.

However, if you like gentle satire about the inequality of the sexes written in rustic dialect by an author described as "the female Mark Twain" (does that mean that Mark Twain is the male Marietta Holley...?? Hm.) then this IS the book for you.

For Further Research:
Everything you wanted to know about Marietta Holley.

Shelf of Shame #16

2011-03-06T21:45:00.001-05:00

I LOVE A BOOK WITH HAPPY ENDINGS...
Perly Publishing: Toronto: 1988. 30th edition. 12mo. softcover, 288pp. profusely illus w. city maps.

Well, upon closer perusal, it wasn't at all what I had hoped for.

I wonder if the '69 edition is any better...

For Further Research:
Perly's Maps
Rub & Tug

Porn Title Archives #4

2011-03-06T21:14:00.002-05:00

Porn Titles - Sept 2010 thru Feb 2011

Black Wand (Feb 27)
Insemineption (Feb 20)
True Grip (Feb 13)
The Fister (Feb 6)
Rabid Hole (Jan 30)
Winter's Boning (Jan 23)
The Kinky Speech (Jan 16)
Country Schlong (Jan 9)
Scott Pole-grim Does the World (Jan 2)
The Pole-Her Express (Dec 26)
127 Whores (Dec 19)
Paramoral Activity II: Electric Boogaloo (Dec 12)
Paramoral Activity (Dec 5)
Morning Glory Hole (Nov 28)
The Facial Network (Nov 21)
The Fast Sexorcism (Nov 14)
District 69 (Nov 7)
Jonah Sex (Oct 31)
Sex Toy Story: 3-Some (Oct 24)
Flash of the Tit'uns (Oct 17)
Rubbin Hood (Oct 10)
Ball Street 2: Money Shots While They Sleeps (Oct 3)
Ponce of Persia: The Glans of Time (Sept 26)
The gAy Team (Sept 19)
Blown in 60 Seconds (Sept 12)
The Extendables (Sept 5)

Shelf of Shame #15

2010-12-28T02:30:00.007-05:00

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE RON JEREMY STORY...

Mass, Length and Time. Norman Feather. Penguin Books: London: 1961. Orig. pub. 1959 by Edinburgh University Press. Paperback w. illustrated card covers. 358pp. + in-text illus.

If reading about the basics of physics turns you on, then this book is all the porn you need. Indeed, if you like it that much, you could say that "Feather tickles your fancy"... ahem.

For the rest of us, however, amusement must be derived from our perverted minds, in which cause the chapter and segment designations in this book lend themselves relatively (!) well to innuendo.

My favourites are appended here below:

- Measurement of Length in Practice
- The Screw in Relation to Measurement
- Uniformly Accelerated Rectilinear Motion
- Motion in Space
- Simple Harmonic Motion
- The Motion of Real Bodies
- Comparison of Masses: Ballistic Balance
- Some Problems of Equilibrium
- Collisions Between Real Bodies
- Frictions of Solids
- Friction of Liquids: Lubrication and Viscosity
- Interfacial Energy

This provocative subject material might have caught on had it been popularized by an artist sensitive to the subject matter, say... Olivia Newton John. Especially if she accompanied them with risque videos. This surely would have earned her an honourary doctorate in getting Physical - which prompts one to wonder why Mr. Jeremy has also not been accorded this honour?... after all his, erm, body of work has touched on most of the, erm, headings given above. Which fine upstanding bastion of higher learning will come forward and rectify this wrong? Well, while waiting for redress of this injustice, I'm going to check out some Torsional Oscillations - what can I say? It's a little fetish of mine.

For Further Research:
General Physics
Author Norman Feather, and something neat about him
Olivia Newton John
and if you really need to... Ron Jeremy

Shelf of Shame #14

2010-12-19T23:38:00.029-05:00

COERCION + FEAR = TRUE LOVE!!

(Wait Till You Get Them) Up In The Air Boys
Words by Lew Brown. Music by Albert Von Tilzer. Broadway Music Co: New York: 1919. 4to-sized sheet music. 1 sheet, folded. Illustrated cover, ads to rear panel, 2p. music & lyrics.

Step 1: Create an environment in which you are in complete control. Step 2: Ensnare the target of your affection to that environment. Step 3: Present her with the choice. Step 4: Let true love blososm.

These post-War prohibition-era playaz obviously knew how to found successful relationships - or, at least how to get their hogs washed at 10,000 feet. One wonders if perhaps this is the inadvertent origin of the "Mile-High" Club... Is this kind of aerial-rohypnol really what the intrepid Wright Brothers had in mind when they successfully launched at Kitty Hawk in 1903? Kitty Hawk? More like Pussy Hawk in this song's context.

Somewhat more seriously, apart from the antiquated (and admittedly tongue-in-cheek) view of the romantic process, the more interesting social reference in this song is to prohibition and the fact that alcohol is recognized as being very useful for getting a prospective partner "in the mood". Mayhap we are not so much more sophisticated than our forbears, as the big "A" is still a huge part of the social scene - and we have even managed to add to the mix a few other letters not available back in the day.

Below are the full lyrics for your amusement and edification. Meanwhile, I have a pilot's license to study for.

Song Lyrics
Sometimes you try to love a girl, and she says "no" to you
It makes you feel so blue, there's nothing you can do
You take her for an auto ride and start that mushy talk
But if she doesn't like it, she gets out and starts to walk
They've fooled us ever since the world began
But listen boys, I've got a little plan

Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Wait till you get them up in the air
You can make them hug and squeeze you too
For if they don't, just say you won't come down until they do
Wait till you get them up in the clouds, boys
There won't be anyone to watch you there
You can loop the loop till she can hardly get her breath
It isn't hard to reason with a girl who's scared to death
Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Up, up, up, up - Way up in the air

Do you remember when you took a girlie out to dine?
You used to buy her wine, 'cause it made her feel so fine
She'd always hug and kiss you because she felt so light and gay
And I suppose you're worried since they took the wine away
But boys, it's not as bad as you expect
An aero-ride will have the same effect

Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Wait till you get them up in the air
You can make them hug and squeeze you too
For if they don't, just say you won't come down until they do
Wait till you get them up in the clouds, boys
There won't be anyone to watch you there
When you get her way up high have all the fun you can
There never was a girl who'd fall that far for any man
Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Up, up, up, up - Way up in the air

For Further Research:
The Wright Brothers & Kitty Hawk
Temperence & Prohibition in America
Rohypnol
The Broadway Music Corporation

Shelf of Shame #13

2010-09-26T23:00:00.003-04:00

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S ONE WAY TO GET AN "A"...

ORAL ARITHMETIC
C.C. Goldring. Toronto: J.M. Dent: 1938. Sm. 8vo. 153pp. Brown cloth.

Nope. Nothing other than the titular joke here. Will only add the following note: Hey Britta, now I have my own copy !!

That's all, folks.

Shelf of Shame #21

2010-09-08T01:49:00.030-04:00

YARRR... IS THAT A HARPOON, OR ARE YE JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

Queer Chums. Charles H. Eden. London: Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge: c. 1887. 12mo. 312pp + 8pp publisher's adverts. Decorative brown cloth, gilt titles, b&w illus.

"Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea, and he loved to hang out down by the pier, where the men dressed as ladies."

I am certainly not the only youth whose view of seafaring men and matters was permanently tainted by the hilarious antics of Monty Python. However, when I was older and slogging through the ham-fisted homo-eroticism of Herman Melville's "Moby Dick", I began to suspect where the Pythons might have found their inspiration. And, of course, the Simpsons' Sea Captain occasionally echoes similar sentiments.

Like so many books of this ilk, the title provides our unintentional humour while the content itself - a rollicking ol' seafaring yarn - is really fairly innocuous... save for the opening line of the introduction: "I find that boys nowadays are just as curious as their predecessors were some forty years ago..."

Fortunately, the Village People came along to help remind us all that curiosity is a fabulous thing.

For Further Research:
Sexuality in Melville's Writing
Charles H. Eden
Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge
Python Storytime
Simpsons' Sea-Captain
In the Navy pt 1
In the Navy pt 2

Shelf of Shame #12

2010-09-04T18:15:00.003-04:00

(I'M AN ANGLICAN) I CAN WEAR WHATEVER I WANT ON MY JOHN THOMAS.

NODDY & THE MAGIC RUBBER
Enid Blyton. London: Samson Low, Marston & Co: 1954. 12mo. 60 pp. Orange pictorial boards, w. matching dj. Illustrated throughout.

Good thing Blyton's spiritual crisis didn't culminate in a conversion to Roman Catholicism or we'd have been treated to the less enlightened "Noddy and the Rhythm Method" - and its equally unsuccessful sequel "Noddy Pulls it Out at the Last Minute".

For Further Research:
Much Ado About Enid Blyton
Much Ado about Rubbers (Erasers)
Much Ado About Rubbers (Sex)

Porn Title Archive #3

2010-09-04T16:36:00.007-04:00

PORN TITLES - April thru August 2010

On Her Majesty (Aug 29)
Tomorrow, Beaver Pies (Aug 22)
Cum Gusher, With Love (Aug 15)
The Man with the Emboldened Nun (Aug 8)
Cock-to-Pussy (Aug 1)
Ass Emo Royale (July 25)
The Giving Gay Tights (July 18)
Live in Wet Pie (July 11)
Die, Elizabethan Style, Another Day (July 4)
The Girl is not Enough (June 27)
A Ewe for a Fill (June 20)
Condom of Solace (June 13)
BrownEye (June 6)
Pearl Necklaces Are Cheaper (May 30)
You Only Jizz Twice (May 23)
Moonraider (May 16)
Underballs (May 9)
License to Thrill (May 2)
For Your Thighs Only (April 25)
Dr. Yes (April 18)
Boldfinger (April 11)

* there were no Porn Titles for the January-March 2010 period

Shelf of Shame #11

2010-08-30T22:00:00.001-04:00

SECRET SAUCE... WHAT ??

Blake, Mary. Teen Time Cooking (with Carnation). 1959: Carnation Company: Toronto. Small 8vo. booklet, w. Illus. card covers. 16pp. Colour illus. throughout.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

I mean, I'd really like to believe they're going to cook, in a kitchen, with food. However, the cover illustration seriously calls that intent into question.

Particularly suspect in this context are recipes like "South of the Border Noodles and Beef" or "Five Minute Fudge for the Girls". The author proclaims: "You can learn to take pride and satisfaction in your cooking. Fun and memories are built around food." This booklet may well foster your culinary prowess... or awaken a deep-seeded affinity for sploshing.

FOR FURTHER RESEARCH:
Notes on Evaporated Milk
Everything you ever wanted to know about Sploshing... but were afriad to ask.

Shelf of Shame #10

2010-08-30T21:00:00.003-04:00

THERE'S THE TRUE POPE, AND THEN THERE'S THE MAGNETIC POPE...

Marchessault, Guy. The Magnetic Pope. 1983, Novalis, Ottawa. Paperback, 160 pp. 16 pp. colour photos hors-texte in middle.

Just make sure you set your moral compass to the right one...

For Further Research:
List of Popes (I particularly like #46, St. Hilarius - the only funny one ever elevated: "Okay, you guys have been great - remember: I'm here all Easter, try the Host!"
Geomagnetism (not nearly as funny as the Popes)

Shelf of Shame #9

2010-06-20T02:10:00.013-04:00

DECAPOD? MORE LIKE DECA-PERV...

Everything you always wanted to know about the Lobster: the Atlantic Ocean's most KINKY Character. Arthur Stuart Gillis. Magnetic Hill Inn: Moncton: 1976. Small booklet, stapled, glossy card covers. Unpaginated (8pp.)

Nature's nipple-clamps, I presume ??

For Further Research:
Lobsterman's Page

Ephemera of Shame #3

2010-04-20T23:45:00.005-04:00

RELIGIOUS FOLK AIN'T RACIST...

Lecture Ticket, June 7 [1904]. Black print on grey card stock, 2.25" x 3.5". Kew Beach Presbyterian Church. In Aid of Church Building Fund. Price: 15c.

While not as egregious as some of the material I find, the simple matter-of-factness of its use of a derivative term, combined with its religious angle, make it a valuable and interesting addition to the collection.

At first, I believed the card to be from the W.W. II era - but such is not the case. I found a newspaper reference to the Rev. D.C. Hossack dated 1899, and it seemed unlikely he would still have been active (or even alive) by the 1940s. So my choices were reduced to W.W. I, or the Russo-Japanese War of 1904-05.

The latter seemed most likely, and has proven to be the case. There was a Presbyterian Church in the Kew Beach area of Toronto in this time period, and checking a universal calendar reveals that 1904 does indeed contain a Tuesday, June 7.

So this interesting little piece of Toronto ephemera is over a century old, and quite possibly the only one of its kind in existence - saved from oblivion by its use as a bookmark in a dusty tome whose reader has long since passed.

For Further Research:
Daily Empire & Mail, 1899
Kew Beach Presbyterian
Russo-Japanese War

Shelf of Shame #8

2010-04-20T23:30:00.003-04:00

"FEMBOTS SEEM STRANGELY ALLURING..."

Cohen, Joel H. The Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman. Scholastic: New York: 1976. 12mo, 107pp. Illustrated card covers, many b&w photos.

"Lee Majors was about 12 years old when he made a startling discovery about himself." (p. 3)

I bet. And the sock drawer was never the same afterwards. At least his right arm wasn't bionic yet...

For Further Research:
Bionic Wiki Page

Ephemera of Shame #2

2010-04-20T00:15:00.010-04:00

CULTURAL INSENSITIVITY
FOR TWO...??

Holiday Fun, Juvenile Productions: London: no date, c. 1940s. 4to. Illustrated card covers, unpaginated (approx. 64pp.), b&w illus. in text + colour frontis.

Oh, bygone days... how nostalgic your facilitating the debasement of two peoples in one single image?? I suppose it is thus appropriate that the only colour image in the book lays it all out in black and red...

For Further Research:
Edith Harries, the artist of the frontispiece above, appears to have been quite prolific in this genre of children's book illustration, but I have been unable to locate any solid, specific source of information about her, or the publisher "Juvenile Productions Ltd."

Ephemera of Shame #1

2010-04-19T21:15:00.019-04:00

TOILET HUMOUR A LA WORLD WAR II

Printed red card, 2.5" x 5", c.1940s. Provenance unknown.

Kind of speaks for itself, and a reminder that even during times of war, a sense of humour is an irrepressable part of the human condition. And also that toilet humour, in some form or another, is always in style.

For Further Research:
I have been unable to find out more about this odd little item. If you know anything about it, please comment and share.

Porn Title Archive #2

2010-04-19T21:00:00.001-04:00

PORN TITLES September thru December, 2009

All's Well that Ends Swelled (Dec 27)
Tight-Ass Andronicus (Dec 20)
Julius Squeezer (Dec 13)
Kinky Leer (Dec 6)
Dick III (Nov 29)
Dick II (Nov 22)
Testi-cles (Nov 15)
Corn-me-ol-anus (Nov 8)
Whamlet (Nov 1)
Whackbeth (Oct 25)
Otoolo (Oct 18)
King John Thomas (Oct 11)
A Midsummer Night's Wet Dream (Oct 4)
Pleasure for Measure (Sept 27)
Toolus & Crevissa (Sept 20)
Twelve Times a Night (Sept 13)
The Sex Merchant of Venice (Sept 6)

Porn Title Archive #1

2009-12-06T18:30:00.002-05:00

PORN TITLES - May thru Aug 2009

The Lust World: JurASSic Pork (Aug 30)
Amistud (Aug 23)
Close Encounters of the Hard Kind (Aug 16)
Saving Ryan's Privates (Aug 9)
Foreskindler's List (Aug 2)
Raiders of the Lost Arse (July 26)
It's Colored Purple (July 19)
AI: Artificial Insemination (July 12)
Deep Jaws (July 5)
Lawrence of a Labia (June 28)
- based on the book "Seven Pillars of Jizzdom"
The Pourne Ultim-eat'em (June 21)
The Pourne Spermacy (June 14)
The Pourne Identitty (June 7)
Fast in the Furriest (May 31)
In Dawn, Till Dusk (May 24)

Shelf of Shame #7

2009-12-05T18:00:00.012-05:00

HORNITHOLOGY,
ANYONE ??

HAPPY HUMMERS
Woody Duck. self-published, 2nd edition, 1991 (1990 orig.) 16 pp. red card covers, stapled. signed by author on inside cover.

I guess the author just wasn't up on his fellatial terminology... but the fact that he chose "Woody" as his pen name is a hilarious bonus.

For Further Research:
A brief note on Woody Duck.
Info about hummingbirds.
And "hummers".

Shelf of Shame #6

2009-12-01T16:10:00.004-05:00

HEY KRESKIN !!
WANNA GUESS AGAIN...??

HOW AND WHEN THE WORLD WILL END
Rev. Joseph Wild. Toronto: George Virtue: 1886. 12mo. xiii + 420 + (12). frontis portrait of the author. Green cloth, with gilt lettering to spine.

I guess it wasn't a case of "fourth time lucky" either.

For Further Research:
Note on Jospeh Wild, D.D.
For info on the Ten Lost Tribes, just google that phrase and take your pick.

Shelf of Shame #5a

2009-11-15T15:00:00.007-05:00

(C)ANAL BOY: the sequel

I must confess that I was so eager to post this book I didn't actually bother to read any of it, and without a doubt I should have. Given the accidental re-titling, some of the text from the first page reads, I feel certain, a little differently than its author intended:

"Sixteen, Sean was, old enough to know it was folly to touch or even eye too closely what was not his... the butts were of ivory... each demanded that Sean reach out... that he feel the fitted curve of the butt in his grip, that he delight in its singular beauty..."

Or, two pages later: "The desire stole over him to touch one... to know the feel of it, so that when he was old he might remember and think to himself: I once held in my hand a pistol - such a rare, lovely pistol..."

Or two pages beyond that: "My own son, I am positive, could not have resisted the opportunity to examine such a beautiful pair."

Many thanks to the always hilarious Punky for noticing this unintentional lewdness, and pointing it out to me straight away.

Shelf of Shame #5

2009-11-11T23:10:00.010-05:00

WHEN LIBRARIES GO WRONG !!

(C)ANAL BOY
Marion Greene. 1959: Macmillan: Toronto. 8vo. pp.152. Illustrations by Vernon Mould. Blue boards w. red titles to spine. Dj.

You'd like to think that a high-school library would pay some attention to the placement of their bar-code stickers. Whether or not it was simply "one of those days" or an all-out freudian manifestation we shall never know - but be it careless or deliberate, my gratitude goes out to this long-lost libertine-longing librarian.

I realize I haven't posted anything in a long, long time - but this little gem absolutely made my day, and I hope it is the catalyst to get me back on track again.

Shelf of Shame #4

2009-07-18T19:00:00.003-04:00

THE SHERIFF OF DYKE HOLE
Ridgwell Cullum
Toronto: Copp Clark Co. Ltd: 1909. 1st Candian edition. small 8vo. viii + 338pp. Grey-blue boards, w. gilt titles to front cover and spine.

I have three questions:
1) What's the salary?
2) What are the benefits? (other than the obvious)
3) When can I start?

I have to admit the title sold me right away - yet another fine example of verbiage that was once innocent and unremarkable, made hilarious by the innate vulgarity of the modern era, where everything is at least vaguely lewd. And before you accuse me of being the only one who makes such connections, the lady from whom I bought it today at a garage sale looked at it and said "The Sheriff of, um, uh..." trailing off awkwardly, unable to complete the title, before hastily adding "Well, I certainly don't remember that one..."

With that in mind, some of the more notable Chapter headings are:
VI. Dyke Hole Prepares
XII. Circus Day in Dyke Hole
XVI. Domestic Affairs in Dyke Hole
XVII. Scandal in Dyke Hole
XIX. Dick Roydon Takes the Plunge

For Further Research:

By all accounts, Ridgwell Cullum (whose real name was Sydney Groves Burghard) led a full and interesting life. A brief biography & bibliography can be found here.

In tone and content, his oeuvre is somewhat smiliar to that of Zane Grey, although the latter seems to have enjoyed a lasting popularity. Sad, since the only Z.G. titles that even come close to matching "Sheriff of Dyke Hole" for unitentional perversity are: "Under The Tonto Rim" (1926) and "Raiders of the Spanish Peaks" (1938) - though one could make a case for posthumously published "Shower of Gold" (2007) which, however, is merely an unabridged version of 1915's "Desert Gold".

Sound of Shame #2

2009-07-18T18:00:00.007-04:00

JESSE CRAWFORD:
Organ Fantasies
Spin-O-Rama Records, n.d.

Well, if you're going to think about such things, the Poet of the Organ is as good a candidate as anyone, I suppose. But it doesn't make you a bad person if you do fantasize about someone else's organ once in a while...

Acquired recently while garage sailing. To learn more about the Poetic man who wants you to fantasize about his organ, click here.

Shelf of Shame #3

2009-06-21T19:30:00.010-04:00

THEY CAME FROM GERMANY
Dieter Cunz. Dodd, Mead & Company: New York: 1966. 8vo. Grey cloth boards w. red titles to spine, illustrated dj. [viii] + 178 pp. 13 b&w photo illustrations.

Sometimes, a "nom-de-plume" is a good idea.

For Further Research:
John Peter Zenger
Friedrich von Steuben
Charles Follen
John Jacob Astor
Carl Schurz
John A. Roebling
Thomas Nast
Ottmar Mergenthaler
Wernher von Braun (serious)
Wernher von Braun (funny)
Dieter Cunz / photo

Miscellany of Shame #2

2009-06-14T01:53:00.015-04:00

Caribbean Traditions: Cock Flavoured Seasoning
{company name blacked out}

Ok, I don't really need to say anything about this one, do I...? Well, I will anyway. This litle jar of joy was a recent birthday gift from Bet & Bry, who knew the very moment they saw it for sale in a store that it belonged on a certain Shelf of mine.

I cannot help but feel that this item represents a complete lack of due care and attention at the most fundamental product level... What the hell happened in the company boardroom that day...?

"Nice presentation there, Richard - but, um, just one question... Cock Flavoured?? Are you really sure about that one?"

"Well Percy, I'm glad you asked that. Current market research shows that all our rivals have a chicken flavoured seasoning - and that does represent some stiff competition. We need to stand firm with a name that will rise above the rest. Maybe Rod could speak to the branding process..."

"Sure Dick, I'd be glad to. Let me just say that it was long and hard, but our guys in the department were determined to beat it. Our hands-on approach worked, and in a single stroke it came, hit us in the face really. The taste of chicken is common - nobody gets excited about that. But cock, in the other hand, is exotic. We're confident people will go down, to the shop, and get a load."

"That's right, Rod. You see, Percy, we're on the tip of something big here. We think it's a winner, no matter which way you rub it. There's a big hole in the marketplace. You can tell our shareholders with confidence that this company will stand firm, and fill that void."

"Well, when you put it like that..."

Sound of Shame #1

2009-06-07T17:30:00.010-04:00

JESSE CRAWFORD: The Poet of the Organ
Design Records, n.d.

Found this old album while garage sailing yesterday, and couldn't resist. Naturally, the title prompts one to riff oxymoronic, in the style of "Soothing Bagpipe Music" or maybe "Non-Annoying Accordion Tunes".

Apart from that, however, the burning question (at least in our Freudianized times) is why anyone in their right mind would want to be immortalized as "The Poet of the Organ"...?

Unless of course it's a marketable skill, in which case the Craigslist personals eagerly await your posting.

Further Research:

Those wishing to learn about Mr. Jesse Crawford, "The Poet of the Organ", can go to this article at the American Theatre Organ Society website:
http://www.atos.org/Pages/Journal/Crawford/Crawford_Bio.html

For the story of Design Records, please consult the link below:
http://www.bsnpubs.com/pickwick/designstory.html

Miscellany of Shame #1

2009-06-01T01:35:00.009-04:00

DR. TONGUE'S 3-D HOUSE OF K.D.
from the Midland Mirror, Oct 30, 2008

So you want to buy an affordable house... well here it is! Only $129,900 for a "super starter". But you know what will really sweeten this great home-owning opportunity? K.D. of course. Lots of K.D.

What kind of shambles of a house must this be, that the offer of 365 boxes of Kraft Dinner might well be the lynchpin to swinging the deal? Well, we don't really know since our intrepid agent hasn't even pictured the house. Just the K.D. And I suppose that's clever, because now we have to go to open house to find out. I wonder if he provides a K.D. lunch for those attending...

I don't really hold the K.D. offer against him - it is quite funny. What niggles my brain is his assumption that 365 boxes of Kraft Dinner constitutes a year's supply. Which it does, provided a single box is eaten per day - never mind the fact that if it is a Leap Year we will, very annoyingly, be one box short.

But what if someone really likes K.D. and eats two per day - now we are down to a six-month supply. Or worse, three boxes per day and we're looking at about four months only. And this doesn't even factor in ketchup. Ketchup costs alone for that much K.D. are going to add up rapidly... don't even think of adding hot-dogs. Suddenly that new bathroom suite is on hold, and our sweet-deal dream-home is a soggy-pasta and dehydrated-cheese-product nightmare.

Still, you have to admire the uniqueness of this sales ploy. I guess some things just Gotta Be.

Shelf of Shame #2

2009-05-27T20:35:00.007-04:00

FOCH THE MAN
Clara E. Laughlin. Fleming H. Revell: New York: 1918. 8vo. Light blue boards, with dark blue titles and red decoration to front board & spine. 155 pp. with 4 b&w photo illustrations, incl. frontis portrait.

Sometimes, a book's title will just leap out at you, grab your attention; such as this volume. "Foch The Man" it commands. "But what if I don't want to Foch the Man...?" you riposte weakly. "FOCH The Man!" the title repeats, sternly. And what then can you do but succumb... and laugh that once upon a time nary an eyebrow would be raised at this titular travesty.

Seriously, though, I wonder if people in 1918 would read it as rudely as we do now - and by the way, the "we" means I include all of you in my perverse perceptions, just so you know. There is likely a research paper in the prevalence of certain curse words across different epochs. (If only I hadn't squandered 14 years in getting my crummy Specialist B.A. in History & English... aw, Foch me.)

Certainly rude innuendo has been in the popular front since the days of Shakespeare... witness, for example, all the ribald punning in Hamlet, included for the humourous benefit of the common theatre-goer. But were everyday people making those connections regularly, in their everyday lives? Were there then, even in times of old, Beavises & Buttheads who, walking past the bookshop, mayhap gaze into the window and chortle "Huh huh - his name is "Foch" huh huh"...? (I feel there is a joke about "Judge not lest ye be Mike Judged" in there somewhere... but I digress.)

Back to the tome in question: the text of the book is quite simple and straightforward, populist really. The only internal humour derives from creating phrases of the "fochin" ilk: "that guy was fochin' amazing" or "what a great fochin' idea" or "he foched the Germans up real good"... you get the idea.

This volume was a birthday gift from a good friend and (I am reasonably certain) fellow aficionado of all (or at least most) things wrong. I appreciate her spotting it in some dusty shop somewhere, recognizing that it belonged with its brethren on the Shelf of Shame, and procuring it for me for just that purpose. So Britta, I again offer you my sincerest thanks for the Fochin' book. : )

For Further Research:

Those wishing to read a review of Ms. Loughlin's biography of this fascinating figure of the early 20th century military can consult the following link:
http://query.nytimes.com/mem/archive-free/pdf?_r=3&res=9E02E4D91239E13ABC4C51DFB7678383609EDE

Shelf of Shame #1

2009-05-24T04:30:00.003-04:00

THE ROMANCE OF THE BEAVER
A. Radclyffe Dugmore. London: William Heinemann: 1914. 8vo, red cloth w. gilt titles & decoration to front board, gilt titles to spine. xvi + 225 pp. Poem printed on front end papers. Richly illustrated with over 100 b&w photos and in-text drawings.

Quite obviously the title of this elegant old volume speaks for itself. The minute I saw it, I knew it was destined for my (then conceptual) Shelf of Shame. Further home investigation revealed other hilarity contained within its pages.

In the author’s Introduction, he suggests that "beaver do not lend themselves to pictorial efforts". It tickles the fancy to consider that today the entirety of the internet suggests otherwise! But the intrepid Mr. Dugmore is not put off by his own pronouncement on the matter, and in a segment teasingly entitled "Hints on Beaver Photography", gives us the following:

To begin, they are rather shapeless... no pattern in the way of colouring, and what makes the work doubly difficult and unsatisfactory is that they are so seldom seen by daylight. Add to this the fact that they are usually wet and very shy, it will be easily understood that the task of securing photographs is not easy... If all goes well you will get lots of exposures, but in most cases the pictures will simply show a shapeless mass of wet fur... If using any sort of electric device, be sure to have an ample supply of batteries to take the place of those that through mishap become exhausted.

This only lends credence to Tom Lehrer’s adage that filth is indeed in the mind of the beholder. Humour too, I would posit.

Addendum:

While not actually on the Shelf of Shame, I do possess another volume on the same subject, written some 20 years prior. A tad more austere in its approach, the book is not without some merit to our shameful proceedings.

Castorologia: or the History & Traditions of the Canadian Beaver.
Horace T. Martin. Montreal: Wm. Drysdale & Co: 1892. Brown cloth w. gilt title and decoration to front cover, gilt titles to spine. xviii + 238 pp. Over 50 b&w illustrations and photos.

Notable among the chapter headings in this work are: “Mammoth Beavers” and “The European Beaver”. “Hunting the Beaver” may have the greatest appeal to fans of such tv schlock as Keys to the VIP. The chapter called “Experiments in Domestication”, however, just tweaks my suffragette ire!

Overall, the text is less prone to inadvertent hilarity than its counterpart, but there are a few gems here and there, such as: “The European beaver had formerly been widely spread over the Old World, and it had earned a conspicuous place in the thoughts of men.” You don’t say...

Further Research:

Arthur Radclyffe Dugmore (1870-1955) was an American adventurer and photographer. Those wishing a biography of him should look for: Rolling Stone: the life and Adventures of Arthur Radclyffe Dugmore. Thomas Lowell. Doubleday Doran & Co: New York: 1931.

Horace T. Martin was a onetime Secretary for Agriculture in Canada, but I have been so far unable to learn significantly more about his life and career.

Critical appraisals of both books can be found at the following links: http://www.geocities.com/BobArnebeck/martin.html
http://www.geocities.com/BobArnebeck/dugmore.html