MISSION STATEMENT

Sometimes, things are wrong. At one point they may have been alright, and are now considered wrong, or, they always have been and ever will be just plain wrong. Oft times, these wrong things are also funny.

With that in mind, this endeavour features two main strands: the "Shelf of Shame" (books) and the "Screen of Shame" (film) and smaller strands such as "Sound of Shame" (vinyl) and "Miscellany of Shame" (various) - each showcasing items from my personal collection of bibliographic and cinematic oddities and curios.

Deemed shame-worthy according to varying criteria of wrongness, these humourous, surprising, and occasionally instructive items are therefore posted here for your perusal, amusement and edification. Enjoy.

Porn Title of the Week:

Red-dick (Sept 1)
Blow-Jobs (Aug 25)
The Butt-ler (Aug 18)
You're Sexed (Aug 11)
Fuck-Ass 2 (Aug 4)
We're the Fillers (July 28)
Tur-blow (July 21)
The Who-To-Do-List (July 14)
Pacific Rim-Job (July 7)
Blown Ranger (June 30)
White House Going Down (June 23)

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Porn Title Archive #8

This is The Rear End (June 16)
Now You Do Me (June 9)
Fast & Furriest: Sex (June 2)
Anal Trek: Into Darkness (May 26)
The Wangover, Part Threesome (May 19)
The Great Whacksby (May 12)
Ho-blivion (May 5)
Hairy Movie 5 (April 28)
69 (April 21)
Evil Head (April 14)
Jizz: The Great and Plentiful (Apr 7)
JurAssic Pork: 3Double-D (Mar 31)
Olympussy Has Swollen (Mar 24)
Dead Man Going Down (Mar 17)
69 And Roll Over (Mar 10)
Jack the Giant Layer (Mar 3)
A Good Lay to Try, Hard (Feb 24)
Slide Effects (Feb 17)
Pull-it Then Some Head (Feb 10)
Cold Bodies (Feb 3)

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Shelf of Shame #25

WHO'S A RACIST PUPPY? YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!

Die Cut Advertisement Card. Bogue's Soap. Undated. 3.5" x 7.5".  Dog in pink ribbon w. bell to front. Chinese man in pigtails on rear.

They sure don't make ads like this anymore.  Elegant, artful, racist...

In case you can't read it clearly in the picture, the text accompanying the illustration of the Chinese man reads: "Lookee No boilee!! Washee Washee. Wellee Quickee!"

For me, the appeal of this relic of a bygone era is its incongruous coupling of beauty and stereotyping.  As an additional bonus, I learned that Chinese laundry jokes stretch back further than perhaps I had at first thought.  Buddy Hackett is suddenly not the innovator I thought him to be.

For Further Research:
An excellent summary can be found here.
Another tab of this same site has a nice slideshow of similar images.
Oh, and Buddy Hackett, just for fun.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Porn Title Archive #7

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Shelf of Shame #24

BEFORE JOHN SHAFT THERE WAS... FLORIAN SLAPPEY ??

Octavus Roy Cohen.  Polished Ebony.  Dodd, Mead & Company: New York: 1919.  First Edition.  Blue cloth with yellow decorations to spine and front, with very scarce dustjacket.  8vo.  309pp. 4 illustrations by H. Weston Taylor.

Polished Ebony (1919) is a collection of short humourous stories all written in "negro" dialect. This was not a new concept by any means; in the late 19th century a number of works (chiefly poetical) emerged from the pens of white southern gentlemen who pined for the good ole days, when everyone knew their place in the social order and life was thus simpler, and happier. (There will be a posting on these items reasonably soon, I promise.)

Well, this first published collection of Mr. Cohen's negro stories represent the early twentieth century evolution of that literary tradition.  They introduce a number of characters (caricatures?) of which the most endearing and enduring (!) was Florian Slappey, sometime detective and full-time "negro".  However, to forego excessive pontification on the part of yours truly, I will let the inside dust-jacket promotional text speak for itself.

"In Polished Ebony, Mr. Cohen has given to the public a new and rich humor; a humor which provokes smiles, then chuckles, then hearty laughter.  His portrayal of the modern Southern society negro does not in any way border on the burlesque.  He writes with a sympathetic, tolerant, understanding hand.  Other writers have entertained the public with stories of the ante-bellum negro and the plantation darkey.  It has fallen to Mr. Cohen to give the Southern city negro of today his place in literature.  He has accomplished his task with distinction and infectious good humor.  His characters are live and vital.  His stories are rich in laugh-compelling situations, cleverly conceived plot, scintillating dialogue and masterfully drawn character.  We feel sure that Florian Slappey, Lawyer Evans Chew, Sally Crouch, Semore Mashby and the other happy-go-lucky characters to whom we are introduced by Mr. Cohen are destined to perpetual life."

Oh, racially motivated humour... what deliciously horrible gifts you leave to posterity.

For Further Research:

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Cover of Shame #2

COULROPHOBES BEWARE !!
Huser, Glen.  Touch of the Clown.  Douglas & McIntyre: Toronto: 1999. 12mo.  224 pages.


Poorly Chosen Title + Vaguely Creepy Cover Art = Shelf of Shame Worthy.


Has nobody ever heard of John Wayne Gacy?  




For Further Research:
Glen Huser
Coulrophobia
John Wayne Gacy

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Cover of Shame # 1

LITTLE PEDO ON THE PRAIRIE...

Ford, Linda. Prairie Cowboy.  Steeple Hill Books: 2011.  Mass market paperback, illustrated card covers.  276 p. + various ads at rear.


"In a bold new land, anything is possible..."  Such as inappropriate relationships, apparently - according to this creepy cover.




Given that this is a faith-driven inspirational novel, published under the Harlequin banner... someone should have been a little more careful in selecting the art.


But then, what would be the perverse fun in that?


For Further Research:
Harlequin Love Inspired Historical
Author Linda Ford

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Shelf of Shame #23

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN FATHER HARDON'S POCKET ANYTHING...


Pocket Catholic Dictionary.  John A. Hardon, S.J.  Doubleday: NY: 1985.  Mass market Paperback.  510 pp.


Makes a great companion piece to "Re-Entry... Christ's Second Coming" (Shelf of Shame #19). Religious material provides such a wealth of inadvertent humour.


One can only imagine the, erm, glowing reviews this one generated in the religious publishing world:

  • "A solid and penetrating work..." *
  • "Deeply satisfying!"
  • "...fully probes the subject at hand."
You get the picture.  I won't even make the obvious jokes about an abridged work somehow "coming up short".  Or that it is a softcover edition of Hardon's work...


For Further Research:
Hard-On
Father Hardon Archives
Hard-Ons (Australian Punk Band)
Leonard Cohen

* Thanks to Vicki L. for her quick wit in suggesting this one. :D

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Shelf of Shame #22

I WONDER HOW THE KING FEELS ABOUT THIS...??


Pioneers in the Queen's Bush.  Florence A. Fee.  Conestoga Press: Thornbury: 1984.  Fourth edition, revised.  8vo.  240 pp. + b&w illus.


That's the joke.


That is all.




For Further Research:
About Grey County
Find your own links to Bush Porn.  Pervs.

Porn Title Archive #6


21 Hump Street (Mar 25)
Post Rider: Spitroast of Vengeance (Mar 18)
A Thousand Sperms (Mar 11)
The Whoreax (Mar 4)
Project seX (Feb 26)
Ass of the Tit-'uns (Feb 19)
Want-her-lust (Feb 12)
Safe Sex House (Feb 5)
The Black in Woman (Jan 29)
One for the Money Shot (Jan 22)
Underbelly: Awakening (Jan 15)
Albert's Knob (Jan 8)
The Devil In Thighs (Jan 1)
War Whores (Dec 25)
We Bought a Heavy Petting Zoo (Dec 18)
The Face-Sitter (Dec 11)
Sleeping Booty (Dec 4)
Immorals (Nov 27)
The Bum Diary (Nov 20)
In Pussy, in Booty (Nov 13)
Tower-of-Power Heist (Nov 6)
Schlong Turn 4 -Bloody Beginnings (Oct 30)
Paramoral Activity 3Some (Oct 23)
The Big Thing (Oct 16)
Moneyshot (Oct 9)
Fecal Destination 5 (Oct 2)

Friday, March 30, 2012

Shelf of Shame #21

AND I THOUGHT I NEEDED THE INTERNET TO FIND THAT KIND OF THING...

Games You Can Play With Your Pussy. Ira Alterman. Illustrated by Marty Riskin. American Publishing Corp: Watertown, MA: 1978. Small 4to w. illustrated card covers, b&w illus throughout. 48pp.


I would like to think that the author wrote this book with tongue planted firmly in cheek. I will let you decide which cheek. *ahem*

About this entry I need not say anything else. All I need do is list the book's section headings. They will speak for themselves. Enjoy!

HEADINGS

Naming Your Pussy
How to Feed Your Pussy
How to Eat With Your Pussy
Pussy Hairs
Pussy Poo-Poo
Sleeping With Your Pussy
Your Pussy and Your Furniture
Your Pussy and Your Fern
Disciplining Your Pussy
Nursing a Sick Pussy
How to Handle a Hot Pussy
Pussy Hygiene
How to Give Your Pussy a Bath
Putting Your Pussy in the Kennel
Pussy Gives You a Gift
How to Get Your Pussy Out of a Tree
Exercising Your Pussy
Talking With Your Pussy
Games You Can Play With Your Pussy
Pussy Pong
Five Card Pussy
Pussy of the Mountain
Pussy-Go-Seek
Putting With Your Pussy
Pin the Tail on the Pussy
Spin the Pussy
Musical Pussies
Kick the Pussy
Pussy Zodiac
Why Everyone Should Have a Pussy

For Further Research:
You can do your own Google Searches for "Pussy".
Pervs.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Shelf of Shame #20

ARE YOU REALLY SURE THAT'S A GOOD IDEA...??

Skeen / Garner / Cartwright. Woodworking for Young Children. National Association for the Education of Young Children: Washington: 1984. (5th printing, 1997) 8vo, illustrated card covers, 86pp, many b&w illus.


Doubtless very well intentioned, this title might perhaps feel at home with other ill-advised works, such as "Flaming Torch Juggling for the Visually Impaired", "Venomous Snake Handling for Toddlers" and a cautionary tale about using daddy's power tools called "Little Johnny No-Arms".

But perhaps we are too quick to judge, after all, to quote Cosmo Kramer: "It's all supervised!" And to be sure, the book has a section on safety... on page 61.

First Aid follows a page later.


FOR FURTHER RESEARCH:
Woodworking Safety
NAYEC
Religious Snake Handling
Make Your Own Pie



Saturday, October 8, 2011

Shelf of Shame # 19

I THINK ROGER MOORE ALREADY ATTEMPTED THIS JOKE, SIR...

Re-Entry. John Wesley White. Zondervan Publishing: Michigan: 1971. Mass Market Paperback, illus. card covers, 192 pp.


Seriously? I really do find it hard to believe that nowhere along the way to publishing this book did anybody notice the unfortunate combination of title and sub-title.

If the titular joke isn't enough (and by gosh, don't you think it should be?) then the chapter titles will, erm, drive the joke home. You know what I mean.

Theology & the Coming Christ
Science and Technology & the Coming Christ
The Church & the Coming Christ
Society & the Coming Christ
Philosophy & the Coming Christ
Politics & the Coming Christ
Preparation for His Coming

As an unfortunate segue, Zondervan Publishing has recently issued a book called "Sticky Faith". Ew.

... and the Reverend Ron Jeremy says "Amen".


For Further Research:
Much ado about Zondervan Publishing and more.
There is so much on The Second Coming, but THIS ONE seemed most entertaining.
The original joke from Moonraker, for better or for worse.


Porn Title Archive #5

March thru June 2011

The Queen Whorenet (June 26)
Mars Needs MILFs (June 19)
Source Chode (June 12)
Red, Riding a Hoodie (June 5)
Sex-Men: First Ass (May 29)
The Queen Mantern (May 22)
Dr. Stronglove: or How I Learned to Stop Jacking and Do the Bomb (May 15)
2069: A Face Odyssey (May 8)
The Filling (May 1)
Hairy Lynda (Apr 24)
Paths of Glory Hole (Apr 17)
Filler's Fist (Apr 10)
Hole-ita (Apr 3)
Full Frontal Jackoff (Mar 27)
Where the Sun Ain't Shining (Mar 20)
Thighs Wide Shut (Mar 13)
A Cockwork Orange (Mar 6)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Shelf of Shame #18


AND THE SOUND OF MY ZIPPER...

My Sheep Know My Voice. John Cox. Guardian Books: Belleville: 2003. Small softcover, illus. card covers, 136pp.


I don't care who you are, you've gotta know that title is funny... especially if your name is Cox.



Seriously, sometimes you people make this way too easy.


For Further Research:
Zoophilia

Monday, March 28, 2011

Shelf of Shame #17


YOU'D LIKE TO THINK THE AUTHOR WOULD BE JOSIAH ALLEN...

Marietta Holley. G.W. Dillingham: New York: 1905. 8vo. 471pp. + 5pp. publisher ads. Decorative brown boards w. red lettering to front and to spine.



The author is not Josiah Allen.
Bow-chicka-bow-wow...

Turns out the author is Marietta Holley.
Double-bow chicka-bow-wow...

No.
The book does not live up to those expectations.

However, if you like gentle satire about the inequality of the sexes written in rustic dialect by an author described as "the female Mark Twain" (does that mean that Mark Twain is the male Marietta Holley...?? Hm.) then this IS the book for you.


For Further Research:
Everything you wanted to know about Marietta Holley.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Shelf of Shame #16

I LOVE A BOOK WITH HAPPY ENDINGS...
Perly Publishing: Toronto: 1988. 30th edition. 12mo. softcover, 288pp. profusely illus w. city maps.


Well, upon closer perusal, it wasn't at all what I had hoped for.

I wonder if the '69 edition is any better...


For Further Research:
Perly's Maps
Rub & Tug

Porn Title Archives #4

Porn Titles - Sept 2010 thru Feb 2011

Black Wand (Feb 27)
Insemineption (Feb 20)
True Grip (Feb 13)
The Fister (Feb 6)
Rabid Hole (Jan 30)
Winter's Boning (Jan 23)
The Kinky Speech (Jan 16)
Country Schlong (Jan 9)
Scott Pole-grim Does the World (Jan 2)
The Pole-Her Express (Dec 26)
127 Whores (Dec 19)
Paramoral Activity II: Electric Boogaloo (Dec 12)
Paramoral Activity (Dec 5)
Morning Glory Hole (Nov 28)
The Facial Network (Nov 21)
The Fast Sexorcism (Nov 14)
District 69 (Nov 7)
Jonah Sex (Oct 31)
Sex Toy Story: 3-Some (Oct 24)
Flash of the Tit'uns (Oct 17)
Rubbin Hood (Oct 10)
Ball Street 2: Money Shots While They Sleeps (Oct 3)
Ponce of Persia: The Glans of Time (Sept 26)
The gAy Team (Sept 19)
Blown in 60 Seconds (Sept 12)
The Extendables (Sept 5)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Shelf of Shame #15

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE RON JEREMY STORY...

Mass, Length and Time. Norman Feather. Penguin Books: London: 1961. Orig. pub. 1959 by Edinburgh University Press. Paperback w. illustrated card covers. 358pp. + in-text illus.

If reading about the basics of physics turns you on, then this book is all the porn you need. Indeed, if you like it that much, you could say that "Feather tickles your fancy"... ahem.

For the rest of us, however, amusement must be derived from our perverted minds, in which cause the chapter and segment designations in this book lend themselves relatively (!) well to innuendo.

My favourites are appended here below:

- Measurement of Length in Practice
- The Screw in Relation to Measurement
- Uniformly Accelerated Rectilinear Motion
- Motion in Space
- Simple Harmonic Motion

- The Motion of Real Bodies
- Comparison of Masses: Ballistic Balance
- Some Problems of Equilibrium
- Collisions Between Real Bodies
- Frictions of Solids
- Friction of Liquids: Lubrication and Viscosity
- Interfacial Energy

This provocative subject material might have caught on had it been popularized by an artist sensitive to the subject matter, say... Olivia Newton John. Especially if she accompanied them with risque videos. This surely would have earned her an honourary doctorate in getting Physical - which prompts one to wonder why Mr. Jeremy has also not been accorded this honour?... after all his, erm, body of work has touched on most of the, erm, headings given above. Which fine upstanding bastion of higher learning will come forward and rectify this wrong? Well, while waiting for redress of this injustice, I'm going to check out some Torsional Oscillations - what can I say? It's a little fetish of mine.

For Further Research:
General Physics
Author Norman Feather, and something neat about him
Olivia Newton John
and if you really need to... Ron Jeremy

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Shelf of Shame #14

COERCION + FEAR = TRUE LOVE!!

(Wait Till You Get Them) Up In The Air Boys

Words by Lew Brown. Music by Albert Von Tilzer. Broadway Music Co: New York: 1919. 4to-sized sheet music. 1 sheet, folded. Illustrated cover, ads to rear panel, 2p. music & lyrics.


Step 1: Create an environment in which you are in complete control. Step 2: Ensnare the target of your affection to that environment. Step 3: Present her with the choice. Step 4: Let true love blososm.

These post-War prohibition-era playaz obviously knew how to found successful relationships - or, at least how to get their hogs washed at 10,000 feet. One wonders if perhaps this is the inadvertent origin of the "Mile-High" Club... Is this kind of aerial-rohypnol really what the intrepid Wright Brothers had in mind when they successfully launched at Kitty Hawk in 1903? Kitty Hawk? More like Pussy Hawk in this song's context.

Somewhat more seriously, apart from the antiquated (and admittedly tongue-in-cheek) view of the romantic process, the more interesting social reference in this song is to prohibition and the fact that alcohol is recognized as being very useful for getting a prospective partner "in the mood". Mayhap we are not so much more sophisticated than our forbears, as the big "A" is still a huge part of the social scene - and we have even managed to add to the mix a few other letters not available back in the day.

Below are the full lyrics for your amusement and edification. Meanwhile, I have a pilot's license to study for.

Song Lyrics
Sometimes you try to love a girl, and she says "no" to you
It makes you feel so blue, there's nothing you can do
You take her for an auto ride and start that mushy talk
But if she doesn't like it, she gets out and starts to walk
They've fooled us ever since the world began
But listen boys, I've got a little plan

Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Wait till you get them up in the air
You can make them hug and squeeze you too
For if they don't, just say you won't come down until they do
Wait till you get them up in the clouds, boys
There won't be anyone to watch you there
You can loop the loop till she can hardly get her breath
It isn't hard to reason with a girl who's scared to death
Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Up, up, up, up - Way up in the air

Do you remember when you took a girlie out to dine?
You used to buy her wine, 'cause it made her feel so fine
She'd always hug and kiss you because she felt so light and gay
And I suppose you're worried since they took the wine away
But boys, it's not as bad as you expect
An aero-ride will have the same effect

Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Wait till you get them up in the air
You can make them hug and squeeze you too
For if they don't, just say you won't come down until they do
Wait till you get them up in the clouds, boys
There won't be anyone to watch you there
When you get her way up high have all the fun you can
There never was a girl who'd fall that far for any man
Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Up, up, up, up - Way up in the air



For Further Research:

The Wright Brothers & Kitty Hawk
Temperence & Prohibition in America
Rohypnol
The Broadway Music Corporation

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Shelf of Shame #13

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S ONE WAY TO GET AN "A"...

ORAL ARITHMETIC
C.C. Goldring. Toronto: J.M. Dent: 1938.
Sm. 8vo. 153pp. Brown cloth.

Nope. Nothing other than the titular joke here. Will only add the following note: Hey Britta, now I have my own copy !!

That's all, folks.