Shelf of Shame #15

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE RON JEREMY STORY...

Mass, Length and Time. Norman Feather. Penguin Books: London: 1961. Orig. pub. 1959 by Edinburgh University Press. Paperback w. illustrated card covers. 358pp. + in-text illus.

If reading about the basics of physics turns you on, then this book is all the porn you need. Indeed, if you like it that much, you could say that "Feather tickles your fancy"... ahem.

For the rest of us, however, amusement must be derived from our perverted minds, in which cause the chapter and segment designations in this book lend themselves relatively (!) well to innuendo.

My favourites are appended here below:

- Measurement of Length in Practice
- The Screw in Relation to Measurement
- Uniformly Accelerated Rectilinear Motion
- Motion in Space
- Simple Harmonic Motion
- The Motion of Real Bodies
- Comparison of Masses: Ballistic Balance
- Some Problems of Equilibrium
- Collisions Between Real Bodies
- Frictions of Solids
- Friction of Liquids: Lubrication and Viscosity
- Interfacial Energy

This provocative subject material might have caught on had it been popularized by an artist sensitive to the subject matter, say... Olivia Newton John. Especially if she accompanied them with risque videos. This surely would have earned her an honourary doctorate in getting Physical - which prompts one to wonder why Mr. Jeremy has also not been accorded this honour?... after all his, erm, body of work has touched on most of the, erm, headings given above. Which fine upstanding bastion of higher learning will come forward and rectify this wrong? Well, while waiting for redress of this injustice, I'm going to check out some Torsional Oscillations - what can I say? It's a little fetish of mine.

For Further Research:
General Physics
Author Norman Feather, and something neat about him
Olivia Newton John
and if you really need to... Ron Jeremy

Shelf of Shame #14

COERCION + FEAR = TRUE LOVE!!

(Wait Till You Get Them) Up In The Air Boys
Words by Lew Brown. Music by Albert Von Tilzer. Broadway Music Co: New York: 1919. 4to-sized sheet music. 1 sheet, folded. Illustrated cover, ads to rear panel, 2p. music & lyrics.


Step 1: Create an environment in which you are in complete control. Step 2: Ensnare the target of your affection to that environment. Step 3: Present her with the choice. Step 4: Let true love blososm.

These post-War prohibition-era playaz obviously knew how to found successful relationships - or, at least how to get their hogs washed at 10,000 feet. One wonders if perhaps this is the inadvertent origin of the "Mile-High" Club... Is this kind of aerial-rohypnol really what the intrepid Wright Brothers had in mind when they successfully launched at Kitty Hawk in 1903? Kitty Hawk? More like Pussy Hawk in this song's context.

Somewhat more seriously, apart from the antiquated (and admittedly tongue-in-cheek) view of the romantic process, the more interesting social reference in this song is to prohibition and the fact that alcohol is recognized as being very useful for getting a prospective partner "in the mood". Mayhap we are not so much more sophisticated than our forbears, as the big "A" is still a huge part of the social scene - and we have even managed to add to the mix a few other letters not available back in the day.

Below are the full lyrics for your amusement and edification. Meanwhile, I have a pilot's license to study for.

Song Lyrics
Sometimes you try to love a girl, and she says "no" to you
It makes you feel so blue, there's nothing you can do
You take her for an auto ride and start that mushy talk
But if she doesn't like it, she gets out and starts to walk
They've fooled us ever since the world began
But listen boys, I've got a little plan

Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Wait till you get them up in the air
You can make them hug and squeeze you too
For if they don't, just say you won't come down until they do
Wait till you get them up in the clouds, boys
There won't be anyone to watch you there
You can loop the loop till she can hardly get her breath
It isn't hard to reason with a girl who's scared to death
Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Up, up, up, up - Way up in the air

Do you remember when you took a girlie out to dine?
You used to buy her wine, 'cause it made her feel so fine
She'd always hug and kiss you because she felt so light and gay
And I suppose you're worried since they took the wine away
But boys, it's not as bad as you expect
An aero-ride will have the same effect

Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Wait till you get them up in the air
You can make them hug and squeeze you too
For if they don't, just say you won't come down until they do
Wait till you get them up in the clouds, boys
There won't be anyone to watch you there
When you get her way up high have all the fun you can
There never was a girl who'd fall that far for any man
Wait till you get them up in the air, boys
Up, up, up, up - Way up in the air


For Further Research:
The Wright Brothers & Kitty Hawk
Temperence & Prohibition in America
Rohypnol
The Broadway Music Corporation

Shelf of Shame #13

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S ONE WAY TO GET AN "A"...

ORAL ARITHMETIC
C.C. Goldring. Toronto: J.M. Dent: 1938. Sm. 8vo. 153pp. Brown cloth.

Nope. Nothing other than the titular joke here. Will only add the following note: Hey Britta, now I have my own copy !!

That's all, folks.

Shelf of Shame #21

YARRR... IS THAT A HARPOON, OR ARE YE JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

Queer Chums. Charles H. Eden. London: Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge: c. 1887. 12mo. 312pp + 8pp publisher's adverts. Decorative brown cloth, gilt titles, b&w illus.




"Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea, and he loved to hang out down by the pier, where the men dressed as ladies."

I am certainly not the only youth whose view of seafaring men and matters was permanently tainted by the hilarious antics of Monty Python. However, when I was older and slogging through the ham-fisted homo-eroticism of Herman Melville's "Moby Dick", I began to suspect where the Pythons might have found their inspiration. And, of course, the Simpsons' Sea Captain occasionally echoes similar sentiments.

Like so many books of this ilk, the title provides our unintentional humour while the content itself - a rollicking ol' seafaring yarn - is really fairly innocuous... save for the opening line of the introduction: "I find that boys nowadays are just as curious as their predecessors were some forty years ago..."

Fortunately, the Village People came along to help remind us all that curiosity is a fabulous thing.

For Further Research:
Sexuality in Melville's Writing
Charles H. Eden
Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge
Python Storytime
Simpsons' Sea-Captain
In the Navy pt 1
In the Navy pt 2

Shelf of Shame #12

(I'M AN ANGLICAN) I CAN WEAR WHATEVER I WANT ON MY JOHN THOMAS.

NODDY & THE MAGIC RUBBER
Enid Blyton. London: Samson Low, Marston & Co: 1954. 12mo. 60 pp. Orange pictorial boards, w. matching dj. Illustrated throughout.


Good thing Blyton's spiritual crisis didn't culminate in a conversion to Roman Catholicism or we'd have been treated to the less enlightened "Noddy and the Rhythm Method" - and its equally unsuccessful sequel "Noddy Pulls it Out at the Last Minute".


For Further Research:
Much Ado About Enid Blyton
Much Ado about Rubbers (Erasers)
Much Ado About Rubbers (Sex)

Porn Title Archive #3

PORN TITLES - April thru August 2010

On Her Majesty (Aug 29)
Tomorrow, Beaver Pies (Aug 22)
Cum Gusher, With Love (Aug 15)
The Man with the Emboldened Nun (Aug 8)
Cock-to-Pussy (Aug 1)
Ass Emo Royale (July 25)
The Giving Gay Tights (July 18)
Live in Wet Pie (July 11)
Die, Elizabethan Style, Another Day (July 4)
The Girl is not Enough (June 27)
A Ewe for a Fill (June 20)
Condom of Solace (June 13)
BrownEye (June 6)
Pearl Necklaces Are Cheaper (May 30)
You Only Jizz Twice (May 23)
Moonraider (May 16)
Underballs (May 9)
License to Thrill (May 2)
For Your Thighs Only (April 25)
Dr. Yes (April 18)
Boldfinger (April 11)

* there were no Porn Titles for the January-March 2010 period

Shelf of Shame #11

SECRET SAUCE... WHAT ??

Blake, Mary. Teen Time Cooking (with Carnation). 1959: Carnation Company: Toronto. Small 8vo. booklet, w. Illus. card covers. 16pp. Colour illus. throughout.

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

I mean, I'd really like to believe they're going to cook, in a kitchen, with food. However, the cover illustration seriously calls that intent into question.


Particularly suspect in this context are recipes like "South of the Border Noodles and Beef" or "Five Minute Fudge for the Girls". The author proclaims: "You can learn to take pride and satisfaction in your cooking. Fun and memories are built around food." This booklet may well foster your culinary prowess... or awaken a deep-seeded affinity for sploshing.


FOR FURTHER RESEARCH:
Notes on Evaporated Milk
Everything you ever wanted to know about Sploshing... but were afriad to ask.

Shelf of Shame #10

THERE'S THE TRUE POPE, AND THEN THERE'S THE MAGNETIC POPE...

Marchessault, Guy. The Magnetic Pope. 1983, Novalis, Ottawa. Paperback, 160 pp. 16 pp. colour photos hors-texte in middle.


Just make sure you set your moral compass to the right one...


For Further Research:
List of Popes (I particularly like #46, St. Hilarius - the only funny one ever elevated: "Okay, you guys have been great - remember: I'm here all Easter, try the Host!"
Geomagnetism (not nearly as funny as the Popes)

Shelf of Shame #9

DECAPOD? MORE LIKE DECA-PERV...

Everything you always wanted to know about the Lobster: the Atlantic Ocean's most KINKY Character. Arthur Stuart Gillis. Magnetic Hill Inn: Moncton: 1976. Small booklet, stapled, glossy card covers. Unpaginated (8pp.)




Nature's nipple-clamps, I presume ??


For Further Research:
Lobsterman's Page

Ephemera of Shame #3

RELIGIOUS FOLK AIN'T RACIST...

Lecture Ticket, June 7 [1904]. Black print on grey card stock, 2.25" x 3.5". Kew Beach Presbyterian Church. In Aid of Church Building Fund. Price: 15c.

While not as egregious as some of the material I find, the simple matter-of-factness of its use of a derivative term, combined with its religious angle, make it a valuable and interesting addition to the collection.

At first, I believed the card to be from the W.W. II era - but such is not the case. I found a newspaper reference to the Rev. D.C. Hossack dated 1899, and it seemed unlikely he would still have been active (or even alive) by the 1940s. So my choices were reduced to W.W. I, or the Russo-Japanese War of 1904-05.

The latter seemed most likely, and has proven to be the case. There was a Presbyterian Church in the Kew Beach area of Toronto in this time period, and checking a universal calendar reveals that 1904 does indeed contain a Tuesday, June 7.

So this interesting little piece of Toronto ephemera is over a century old, and quite possibly the only one of its kind in existence - saved from oblivion by its use as a bookmark in a dusty tome whose reader has long since passed.

For Further Research:
Daily Empire & Mail, 1899
Kew Beach Presbyterian
Russo-Japanese War

Shelf of Shame #8

"FEMBOTS SEEM STRANGELY ALLURING..."

Cohen, Joel H. The Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman. Scholastic: New York: 1976. 12mo, 107pp. Illustrated card covers, many b&w photos.


"Lee Majors was about 12 years old when he made a startling discovery about himself." (p. 3)



I bet. And the sock drawer was never the same afterwards. At least his right arm wasn't bionic yet...


For Further Research:
Bionic Wiki Page

Ephemera of Shame #2

CULTURAL INSENSITIVITY
FOR TWO...??

Holiday Fun, Juvenile Productions: London: no date, c. 1940s. 4to. Illustrated card covers, unpaginated (approx. 64pp.), b&w illus. in text + colour frontis.

Oh, bygone days... how nostalgic your facilitating the debasement of two peoples in one single image?? I suppose it is thus appropriate that the only colour image in the book lays it all out in black and red...

For Further Research:
Edith Harries, the artist of the frontispiece above, appears to have been quite prolific in this genre of children's book illustration, but I have been unable to locate any solid, specific source of information about her, or the publisher "Juvenile Productions Ltd."

Ephemera of Shame #1

TOILET HUMOUR A LA WORLD WAR II

Printed red card, 2.5" x 5", c.1940s. Provenance unknown.


Kind of speaks for itself, and a reminder that even during times of war, a sense of humour is an irrepressable part of the human condition. And also that toilet humour, in some form or another, is always in style.


For Further Research:
I have been unable to find out more about this odd little item. If you know anything about it, please comment and share.

Porn Title Archive #2

PORN TITLES September thru December, 2009

All's Well that Ends Swelled (Dec 27)
Tight-Ass Andronicus (Dec 20)
Julius Squeezer (Dec 13)
Kinky Leer (Dec 6)
Dick III (Nov 29)
Dick II (Nov 22)
Testi-cles (Nov 15)
Corn-me-ol-anus (Nov 8)
Whamlet (Nov 1)
Whackbeth (Oct 25)
Otoolo (Oct 18)
King John Thomas (Oct 11)
A Midsummer Night's Wet Dream (Oct 4)
Pleasure for Measure (Sept 27)
Toolus & Crevissa (Sept 20)
Twelve Times a Night (Sept 13)
The Sex Merchant of Venice (Sept 6)