MISSION STATEMENT

Sometimes, things are wrong. At one point they may have been alright, and are now considered wrong, or, they always have been and ever will be just plain wrong. Oft times, these wrong things are also funny.

With that in mind, this endeavour features two main strands: the "Shelf of Shame" (books) and the "Screen of Shame" (film) and smaller strands such as "Sound of Shame" (vinyl) and "Miscellany of Shame" (various) - each showcasing items from my personal collection of bibliographic and cinematic oddities and curios.

Deemed shame-worthy according to varying criteria of wrongness, these humourous, surprising, and occasionally instructive items are therefore posted here for your perusal, amusement and edification. Enjoy.

Porn Title of the Week:

Red-dick (Sept 1)
Blow-Jobs (Aug 25)
The Butt-ler (Aug 18)
You're Sexed (Aug 11)
Fuck-Ass 2 (Aug 4)
We're the Fillers (July 28)
Tur-blow (July 21)
The Who-To-Do-List (July 14)
Pacific Rim-Job (July 7)
Blown Ranger (June 30)
White House Going Down (June 23)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Porn Title Archive #1

PORN TITLES - May thru Aug 2009

The Lust World: JurASSic Pork (Aug 30)
Amistud (Aug 23)
Close Encounters of the Hard Kind (Aug 16)
Saving Ryan's Privates (Aug 9)
Foreskindler's List (Aug 2)
Raiders of the Lost Arse (July 26)
It's Colored Purple (July 19)
AI: Artificial Insemination (July 12)
Deep Jaws (July 5)
Lawrence of a Labia (June 28)
- based on the book "Seven Pillars of Jizzdom"
The Pourne Ultim-eat'em (June 21)
The Pourne Spermacy (June 14)
The Pourne Identitty (June 7)
Fast in the Furriest (May 31)
In Dawn, Till Dusk (May 24)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Shelf of Shame #7

HORNITHOLOGY,
ANYONE ??


HAPPY HUMMERS
Woody Duck. self-published, 2nd edition, 1991 (1990 orig.) 16 pp. red card covers, stapled. signed by author on inside cover.

I guess the author just wasn't up on his fellatial terminology... but the fact that he chose "Woody" as his pen name is a hilarious bonus.


For Further Research:
A brief note on Woody Duck.
Info about hummingbirds.
And "hummers".

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Shelf of Shame #6

HEY KRESKIN !!
WANNA GUESS AGAIN...??


HOW AND WHEN THE WORLD WILL END

Rev. Joseph Wild. Toronto: George Virtue: 1886. 12mo. xiii + 420 + (12). frontis portrait of the author. Green cloth, with gilt lettering to spine.

I guess it wasn't a case of "fourth time lucky" either.



For Further Research:
Note on Jospeh Wild, D.D.
For info on the Ten Lost Tribes, just google that phrase and take your pick.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Shelf of Shame #5a

(C)ANAL BOY: the sequel

I must confess that I was so eager to post this book I didn't actually bother to read any of it, and without a doubt I should have. Given the accidental re-titling, some of the text from the first page reads, I feel certain, a little differently than its author intended:

"Sixteen, Sean was, old enough to know it was folly to touch or even eye too closely what was not his... the butts were of ivory... each demanded that Sean reach out... that he feel the fitted curve of the butt in his grip, that he delight in its singular beauty..."

Or, two pages later: "The desire stole over him to touch one... to know the feel of it, so that when he was old he might remember and think to himself: I once held in my hand a pistol - such a rare, lovely pistol..."

Or two pages beyond that: "My own son, I am positive, could not have resisted the opportunity to examine such a beautiful pair."

Many thanks to the always hilarious Punky for noticing this unintentional lewdness, and pointing it out to me straight away.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Shelf of Shame #5

WHEN LIBRARIES GO WRONG !!

(C)ANAL BOY
Marion Greene. 1959: Macmillan: Toronto. 8vo. pp.152. Illustrations by Vernon Mould. Blue boards w. red titles to spine. Dj.

You'd like to think that a high-school library would pay some attention to the placement of their bar-code stickers. Whether or not it was simply "one of those days" or an all-out freudian manifestation we shall never know - but be it careless or deliberate, my gratitude goes out to this long-lost libertine-longing librarian.

I realize I haven't posted anything in a long, long time - but this little gem absolutely made my day, and I hope it is the catalyst to get me back on track again.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Shelf of Shame #4

THE SHERIFF OF DYKE HOLE
Ridgwell Cullum
Toronto: Copp Clark Co. Ltd: 1909. 1st Candian edition. small 8vo. viii + 338pp. Grey-blue boards, w. gilt titles to front cover and spine.

I have three questions:
1) What's the salary?
2) What are the benefits? (other than the obvious)
3) When can I start?



I have to admit the title sold me right away - yet another fine example of verbiage that was once innocent and unremarkable, made hilarious by the innate vulgarity of the modern era, where everything is at least vaguely lewd. And before you accuse me of being the only one who makes such connections, the lady from whom I bought it today at a garage sale looked at it and said "The Sheriff of, um, uh..." trailing off awkwardly, unable to complete the title, before hastily adding "Well, I certainly don't remember that one..."

With that in mind, some of the more notable Chapter headings are:
VI. Dyke Hole Prepares
XII. Circus Day in Dyke Hole
XVI. Domestic Affairs in Dyke Hole
XVII. Scandal in Dyke Hole
XIX. Dick Roydon Takes the Plunge


For Further Research:

By all accounts, Ridgwell Cullum (whose real name was Sydney Groves Burghard) led a full and interesting life. A brief biography & bibliography can be found here.

In tone and content, his oeuvre is somewhat smiliar to that of Zane Grey, although the latter seems to have enjoyed a lasting popularity. Sad, since the only Z.G. titles that even come close to matching "Sheriff of Dyke Hole" for unitentional perversity are: "Under The Tonto Rim" (1926) and "Raiders of the Spanish Peaks" (1938) - though one could make a case for posthumously published "Shower of Gold" (2007) which, however, is merely an unabridged version of 1915's "Desert Gold".

Sound of Shame #2

JESSE CRAWFORD:
Organ Fantasies

Spin-O-Rama Records, n.d.


Well, if you're going to think about such things, the Poet of the Organ is as good a candidate as anyone, I suppose. But it doesn't make you a bad person if you do fantasize about someone else's organ once in a while...


Acquired recently while garage sailing. To learn more about the Poetic man who wants you to fantasize about his organ, click here.


Sunday, June 21, 2009

Shelf of Shame #3

THEY CAME FROM GERMANY
Dieter Cunz. Dodd, Mead & Company: New York: 1966. 8vo. Grey cloth boards w. red titles to spine, illustrated dj. [viii] + 178 pp. 13 b&w photo illustrations.

Sometimes, a "nom-de-plume" is a good idea.



For Further Research:
John Peter Zenger
Friedrich von Steuben
Charles Follen
John Jacob Astor
Carl Schurz
John A. Roebling
Thomas Nast
Ottmar Mergenthaler
Wernher von Braun (serious)
Wernher von Braun (funny)
Dieter Cunz / photo

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Miscellany of Shame #2

Caribbean Traditions: Cock Flavoured Seasoning
{company name blacked out}

Ok, I don't really need to say anything about this one, do I...? Well, I will anyway. This litle jar of joy was a recent birthday gift from Bet & Bry, who knew the very moment they saw it for sale in a store that it belonged on a certain Shelf of mine.

I cannot help but feel that this item represents a complete lack of due care and attention at the most fundamental product level... What the hell happened in the company boardroom that day...?

"Nice presentation there, Richard - but, um, just one question... Cock Flavoured?? Are you really sure about that one?"

"Well Percy, I'm glad you asked that. Current market research shows that all our rivals have a chicken flavoured seasoning - and that does represent some stiff competition. We need to stand firm with a name that will rise above the rest. Maybe Rod could speak to the branding process..."

"Sure Dick, I'd be glad to. Let me just say that it was long and hard, but our guys in the department were determined to beat it. Our hands-on approach worked, and in a single stroke it came, hit us in the face really.
The taste of chicken is common - nobody gets excited about that. But cock, in the other hand, is exotic. We're confident people will go down, to the shop, and get a load."

"That's right, Rod. You see, Percy, we're on the tip of something big here. We think it's a winner, no matter which way you rub it. There's a big hole in the marketplace. You can tell our shareholders with confidence that this company will stand firm, and fill that void."

"Well, when you put it like that..."



Sunday, June 7, 2009

Sound of Shame #1

JESSE CRAWFORD: The Poet of the Organ
Design Records, n.d.

Found this old album while garage sailing yesterday, and couldn't resist. Naturally, the title prompts one to riff oxymoronic, in the style of "Soothing Bagpipe Music" or maybe "Non-Annoying Accordion Tunes".

Apart from that, however, the burning question (at least in our Freudianized times) is why anyone in their right mind would want to be immortalized as "The Poet of the Organ"...?

Unless of course it's a marketable skill, in which case the Craigslist personals eagerly await your posting.


Further Research:

Those wishing to learn about Mr. Jesse Crawford, "The Poet of the Organ", can go to this article at the American Theatre Organ Society website:
http://www.atos.org/Pages/Journal/Crawford/Crawford_Bio.html


For the story of Design Records, please consult the link below:
http://www.bsnpubs.com/pickwick/designstory.html

Monday, June 1, 2009

Miscellany of Shame #1


DR. TONGUE'S 3-D HOUSE OF K.D.
from the Midland Mirror, Oct 30, 2008

So you want to buy an affordable house... well here it is! Only $129,900 for a "super starter". But you know what will really sweeten this great home-owning opportunity? K.D. of course. Lots of K.D.

What kind of shambles of a house must this be, that the offer of 365 boxes of Kraft Dinner might well be the lynchpin to swinging the deal? Well, we don't really know since our intrepid agent hasn't even pictured the house. Just the K.D. And I suppose that's clever, because now we have to go to open house to find out. I wonder if he provides a K.D. lunch for those attending...

I don't really hold the K.D. offer against him - it is quite funny. What niggles my brain is his assumption that 365 boxes of Kraft Dinner constitutes a year's supply. Which it does, provided a single box is eaten per day - never mind the fact that if it is a Leap Year we will, very annoyingly, be one box short.

But what if someone really likes K.D. and eats two per day - now we are down to a six-month supply. Or worse, three boxes per day and we're looking at about four months only. And this doesn't even factor in ketchup. Ketchup costs alone for that much K.D. are going to add up rapidly... don't even think of adding hot-dogs. Suddenly that new bathroom suite is on hold, and our sweet-deal dream-home is a soggy-pasta and dehydrated-cheese-product nightmare.

Still, you have to admire the uniqueness of this sales ploy. I guess some things just Gotta Be.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Shelf of Shame #2



FOCH THE MAN
Clara E. Laughlin. Fleming H. Revell: New York: 1918. 8vo. Light blue boards, with dark blue titles and red decoration to front board & spine. 155 pp. with 4 b&w photo illustrations, incl. frontis portrait.

Sometimes, a book's title will just leap out at you, grab your attention; such as this volume. "Foch The Man" it commands. "But what if I don't want to Foch the Man...?" you riposte weakly. "FOCH The Man!" the title repeats, sternly. And what then can you do but succumb... and laugh that once upon a time nary an eyebrow would be raised at this titular travesty.

Seriously, though, I wonder if people in 1918 would read it as rudely as we do now - and by the way, the "we" means I include all of you in my perverse perceptions, just so you know. There is likely a research paper in the prevalence of certain curse words across different epochs. (If only I hadn't squandered 14 years in getting my crummy Specialist B.A. in History & English... aw, Foch me.)

Certainly rude innuendo has been in the popular front since the days of Shakespeare... witness, for example, all the ribald punning in Hamlet, included for the humourous benefit of the common theatre-goer. But were everyday people making those connections regularly, in their everyday lives? Were there then, even in times of old, Beavises & Buttheads who, walking past the bookshop, mayhap gaze into the window and chortle "Huh huh - his name is "Foch" huh huh"...? (I feel there is a joke about "Judge not lest ye be Mike Judged" in there somewhere... but I digress.)

Back to the tome in question: the text of the book is quite simple and straightforward, populist really. The only internal humour derives from creating phrases of the "fochin" ilk: "that guy was fochin' amazing" or "what a great fochin' idea" or "he foched the Germans up real good"... you get the idea.

This volume was a birthday gift from a good friend and (I am reasonably certain) fellow aficionado of all (or at least most) things wrong. I appreciate her spotting it in some dusty shop somewhere, recognizing that it belonged with its brethren on the Shelf of Shame, and procuring it for me for just that purpose. So Britta, I again offer you my sincerest thanks for the Fochin' book. : )

For Further Research:

Those wishing to read a review of Ms. Loughlin's biography of this fascinating figure of the early 20th century military can consult the following link:
http://query.nytimes.com/mem/archive-free/pdf?_r=3&res=9E02E4D91239E13ABC4C51DFB7678383609EDE

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Shelf of Shame #1


THE ROMANCE OF THE BEAVER
A. Radclyffe Dugmore. London: William Heinemann: 1914. 8vo, red cloth w. gilt titles & decoration to front board, gilt titles to spine. xvi + 225 pp. Poem printed on front end papers. Richly illustrated with over 100 b&w photos and in-text drawings.

Quite obviously the title of this elegant old volume speaks for itself. The minute I saw it, I knew it was destined for my (then conceptual) Shelf of Shame. Further home investigation revealed other hilarity contained within its pages.

In the author’s Introduction, he suggests that "beaver do not lend themselves to pictorial efforts". It tickles the fancy to consider that today the entirety of the internet suggests otherwise! But the intrepid Mr. Dugmore is not put off by his own pronouncement on the matter, and in a segment teasingly entitled "Hints on Beaver Photography", gives us the following:

To begin, they are rather shapeless... no pattern in the way of colouring, and what makes the work doubly difficult and unsatisfactory is that they are so seldom seen by daylight. Add to this the fact that they are usually wet and very shy, it will be easily understood that the task of securing photographs is not easy... If all goes well you will get lots of exposures, but in most cases the pictures will simply show a shapeless mass of wet fur... If using any sort of electric device, be sure to have an ample supply of batteries to take the place of those that through mishap become exhausted.

This only lends credence to Tom Lehrer’s adage that filth is indeed in the mind of the beholder. Humour too, I would posit.

Addendum:

While not actually on the Shelf of Shame, I do possess another volume on the same subject, written some 20 years prior. A tad more austere in its approach, the book is not without some merit to our shameful proceedings.

Castorologia: or the History & Traditions of the Canadian Beaver.
Horace T. Martin. Montreal: Wm. Drysdale & Co: 1892. Brown cloth w. gilt title and decoration to front cover, gilt titles to spine. xviii + 238 pp. Over 50 b&w illustrations and photos.

Notable among the chapter headings in this work are: “Mammoth Beavers” and “The European Beaver”. “Hunting the Beaver” may have the greatest appeal to fans of such tv schlock as Keys to the VIP. The chapter called “Experiments in Domestication”, however, just tweaks my suffragette ire!

Overall, the text is less prone to inadvertent hilarity than its counterpart, but there are a few gems here and there, such as: “The European beaver had formerly been widely spread over the Old World, and it had earned a conspicuous place in the thoughts of men.” You don’t say...


Further Research:

Arthur Radclyffe Dugmore (1870-1955) was an American adventurer and photographer. Those wishing a biography of him should look for: Rolling Stone: the life and Adventures of Arthur Radclyffe Dugmore. Thomas Lowell. Doubleday Doran & Co: New York: 1931.

Horace T. Martin was a onetime Secretary for Agriculture in Canada, but I have been so far unable to learn significantly more about his life and career.

Critical appraisals of both books can be found at the following links: http://www.geocities.com/BobArnebeck/martin.html
http://www.geocities.com/BobArnebeck/dugmore.html